I Heart Secret Shopper

January just got a whole lot better... my Old Best Friend, Mary Portas (OBFMP) is back. And for the first episode of the new series, Secret Shopper, the focus is on fast fashion. Portas visits high street fashion stores, H&M, Zara, Primark and Pilot - the brand we thought was dead and buried but is clinging onto life in a dreary shopping outlet in Braintree, Essex. In a seventies wig - and flat shoes! - the Undercover Queen of Shops goes in-store with a hidden camera to find out what customer service on the high street is really like. Wearing mostly ACNE, a Burberry trench (spring/summer 2011 collection) and a fabulous fuchsia Roland Mouret dress, some may argue that shopping on the high street is not an experience OBFMP is familiar with but I think that's a bit unfair. Portas is the Telegraph's shopping columnist after all, and during the course of the programme, in a move that would make Sam Cam proud, she dons a red shirt from Whistles. Here's Mary in disguise. Personally, I quite like the seventies/Joan Jett vibe.



Anyhow, unsurprisingly the customer service is shoddy. Shop assistants are either bored stiff or too busy to help customers and Portas is horrified to find that they don't know an aviator jacket from a pair of harem pants - what's wrong with these people? Don't they read Grazia? With her three golden rules: smile, speak and serve, OBFMP persuades the owner of Pilot to revamp one of his stores, turning a cubicle the size of a toilet into a fabulous changing hub complete with Twitter mirror and celebrity names above each door, guaranteed to make any shopper feel like a star - are you feeling Gaga/ Cheryl/Rhianna today?

Fast fashion may be an easy target but this is entertaining stuff. The show ends with Portas charging down a pedestrianised street with a flash mob of peaceful protesters heading for Primark where, in their 'Smile, Speak, Serve' logo t-shirts they offer bemused shoppers the customer service they truly deserve. And at the end of the day, Portas is right. Sadly, in fast fashion stores like this, service is stripped back, employees are given very little, if any, proper training and are bound to feel disaffected because to some retailers a hefty profit - rather than the people who work or shop in their stores - is all that matters. But, as David Mitchell pointed out on The Graham Norton Show last week, 'The nation's misery is the show's strength.'


Next week I'm hoping for a posh accent and a Kate Middleton wig.




If you missed The Graham Norton Show, check out this hilarious discussion on rubbish shop names.



Did you see Secret Shopper - what do you think about service on the high street?

Life begins at 50

That's Not My Age has been planning ahead. OK so I've got a few years to go till I hit the big 5-0 but when that day finally comes, I'd like to be prepared. Scientific research carried out at a top secret laboratory this week reveals that on entering the sixth decade, it's not too late to:

1. Run 100 metres



Jamaican-born runner Merlene Ottey, 50, is the oldest athlete to perform in the European Championships, ever. Later today she'll be representing Slovenia in the 4x 100 metres relay final. 'It's really truly amazing that she's still competing,' says former Olympic record-holder, Michael Johnson, 42, 'That she still has the desire, I don't have that desire to be out there.'


2. Get your kit off



'I am so bored with seeing stories about a mature man of 65 falling in love with a beautiful girl of 32,' Kristin Scott Thomas, 50, says of her latest film Leaving, 'Here a mature woman in her 40s, falls in love with another mature man, who isn’t a sex god figure. He’s just a bloke.’

The supremely talented KST, an early contender for the 2011 SBAFta (Style Begins at Forty)Best Actor award, admits that the sex scenes in the film, ‘Were nerve-wracking. I got the heebie-jeebies at one point, and we had to postpone shooting... though, there were a lot of other women on the shoot, like the cinematographer Agnès Godard, who were very supportive.'

3. Become a style icon



The latest series of Mary Queen of Shops saw the retail guru's profile sky-rocket. As well as making-over the nation's independent shops, Portas has become a role model for women who 'don't want to dress like their daughters,' and is planning a new series aimed at 'defiantly redefining middle age as the most desirable age bracket to be in.'

4. Shock old ladies



Rupert Everett, 51, has spent his whole life rebelling against a very conservative, colonial upbringing. On this week's Who do you think you are?, whilst uncovering his family tree, the actor met great aunt Marguerite for the very first time. She informed him that his great grandfather, Fred Everett, was a philandering sailor and a rebel, but, that she liked naughty boys. And so does Rupes.

Margueruite: 'Ooh you're not playing for the other side are you?!'
Rupes: 'This is rapidly deteriorating into an Ealing comedy.'


Photos
Merlene Ottey: Getty Images
Kristin Scott Thomas, photos and quote: The List
Mary Portas: Telegraph
Rupert Everett: BBC

The style-begins-at-forty honours list

That's Not My Age has decided there's not enough prize-giving in the world so it's time to unveil the style-begins-at-forty honours list (the SBAFtas). Designed to celebrate reaching a certain age and beyond with élan, this year's awards go to:

Life time achievement award: Iris Apfel.
Now this award is usually saved till last and given to a washed-up old fart like Paul McCartney but there'll be no charity prizes at the SBAFtas. The gong for a life of fabulousness and a-wardrobe-to-maim-for goes to the New York socialite and most glamorous 88 year-old in history, Iris Apfel. This woman has had both an exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum and a book dedicated to her style. Seen below in Balenciaga and Alexis Bittar jewellery (accompanied by Alexis Bittar, Accessory Designer of the Year) at the Council of Fashion Designers of America (CFDA) in New York. When I grow up, I want to look just like her.




The best scientist/middle-aged crush award: Professor Brian Cox
As well as being recognised in the inaugural SBAFtas honours list, Dr Cox, 42, has just been awarded an OBE. The pop star professor says he's 'chuffed and surprised.' Give that man my phone number.



The best film: A Bout de Souffle (Breathless)
Fifty years-old this week and one of the most stylish films, ever, Jean Luc Godard's classic black and white movie is a masterpiece in 20th century French chic. Starring Jean Seberg's pixie crop, Herald Tribune sweater and Capri pants - all looking just as good today as they did at the end of the fifties. (Breathless opens in cinemas on 25 June and is released on DVD on 13 September)





The best dressed fashion director: Tonne Goodman
This is a close call. Anna Wintour makes uptown chic look easy, Carine Roitfeld does grown-up rock chick like no other, but the SBAFta for casual glamour goes to the American Vogue, fashion director, Tonne Goodman. The former model is living proof that less is more. Goodman looks amazing in her trademark shirt, Tod's loafer and jeans combo - her low key approach is effortlessly stylish. Picking up the Eleanor Lambert Award at the CFDA in New York last week, she was pared down and dressed up in Michael Kors.






Androgynous, equal dresser of the year award: Margaret Howell,
The latest 'Ageless Style' issue of Vogue features the south London based, doyenne of minimal dressing, Margaret Howell, 60-something. 'I've never liked having a big wardrobe, so I'm always clearing it out,' says Howell - er, Margaret, I'm just down the road if you'd like to freecycle, 'And with age, my style has become more edited.' Readers, you heard it here second (after I'd finished reading Vogue), edited, equal dressing is the future.




The best dressed football manager: José Mourinho
His love of an Armani coat is legendary. And boy does this man know how to accessorize - a neatly arranged scarf here, a Louis Vuitton bag there - obviously the reason why he's called the special one. Mourinho, 46, says he wants to come back to England, and he's more than welcome. Just give him a year or so at Real Madrid, Fergie, announce your retirement and hand over the crown.



The once-every-four-year's award for best dressed manager at the World Cup : a tie between England's impeccably groomed Fabio Capello, 63, and the touchline's answer to Mick Jagger, Germany's, Joachim Lowe, 51. Let's hope this isn't the only trophy Capello wins:





The time is on my side award for immortality: Keef Richards
Mr TNMA loves Keef in a special way (he even has a framed Rolling Stones jigsaw and a limited edition leather jacket as worn by KR in 1982 - it's called Night Mission!) and whilst looking at recent photos of The Stones launching the Exile on Main Street documentary at the New York Film Festival, I found myself thinking how good Keith Richards, 66, looked. Not something I've contemplated for ooh 30-odd years but the natural grey hair (take note Ronnie Wood), natty scarf and Homberg hat confirm that the human riff is both rock 'n' roll hero and style legend. Mr Richards biography is due to be published this autumn (written by James Fox) so I know what I'll be buying the Blog Widower for Christmas.




Mr TNMA's favourite image is by photographer, Ethan Russell:



The only queen we need award: Mary Portas
Back with a new series, a new website and a new wife. Mary Queen of Shops, 50, may not have persuaded Angela of Maher & Sons bakery to choose artisan bread over crap cakes but she looked Portas-tic in tunic dress, statement jewellery and opaque tights.



Who would you give a SBAFta to?


Photos
Golden Globe: aceshowbiz.com
Iris Apfel & Tonne Goodman: style.com
Brian Cox: flickr
Jean Seberg: The Times & The Guardian
Margaret Howell: Vogue
Fabio Capello: The Telegraph
José Mourinho: The Mirror
Joaquim Lowe: The Beautiful Game
Keith Richards: thisislondon.co.uk, accesshollywood.com, Ethan Russell
Mary Portas: maryportas.com

An age old problem

After seeing a photograph of myself standing next to a smooth-skinned Mary Portas, That's Not My Age has decided something has got to be done about my wrinkles. I may be kidding myself about growing old gracefully sans Botox or surgery but I just can't face (make that afford) either. And anyway, I've had lines on my forehead forever. When I met Mr TNMA he thought I was frowning at him, obviously he didn't recognise the look of true love.

So I am testing this 'revolutionary product' by Dr Kadir who according to Elle is well known in the Middle East, a dermatologist with a celebrity following - Madonna and Jennifer Anniston are fans. The blurb says the moisturizing cream contains an award-winning, anti-ageing ingredient which helps decrease wrinkle depth. Apple Lift results in plumper, toned, youthful looking skin and has a high UVA protection factor as well a Vitamin E making it a potent natural weapon in fighting fine lines and wrinkles. Phew! Sounds like just what I need.

And time to 'fess up. Before Christmas I promised I would try out this introductory set from Aromatherapy Associates and report back with before and after shots, wrinkles and all.



But then Mr TNMA took some snaps and I was horrified by the results. So horrified, I had a Hugh Grant moment - no nothing to do with a hooker and a parked car, or worse Liz Hurley - I just empathized with Grant who on approaching his 50th birthday said, "I don’t really feel all that old in myself, I actually feel rather young and sprightly but then I see a picture of myself and think, ‘Christ, who is that old man?’” So, sorry but you won't be seeing any close up mug-shots after all. I'm just not brave enough, even Demi Moore got called old and ugly after spending two hundred thousand dollars on surgery, and posting photos on Twitter.

Anyhow, here's my belated verdict on the Aromatherapy Associates gift box, bearing in mind that I was just slapping products on randomly and not following instructions:

1. All the products smelled gorgeous and left my skin feeling super soft.
2. I will probably buy the Fine Line Face Oil even though my lines are not fine, they are of the Gordon Ramsay variety.
3. The Intensive Skin Treatment Oil helped soothe my painful, cracked heels.



And apparently Hugh Grant has started doing pilates to keep himself looking young - do you have any anti-ageing tips?

I have a dream

One of my favourite photographs, ever, is this 1975 Helmut Newton shot of le smoking for French Vogue. I love the androgynous model, the mood, the composition and the ambiguity of this picture - a quiet Parisienne street after dark, what/who is she waiting for? And it captures a moment in the seventies when Yves Saint Laurent's revolutionary vision collided with Newton's powerful photography. In The Beautiful Fall, Alicia Drake says, 'Newton provided a link in the creation of the Saint Laurent visual world; thanks to Newton's imagination you could actually 'see' the Saint Laurent woman in action and witness the decadence and adventure of her life.'

At the time, the image caused a sensation, as the fabulous Colin McDowell points out in Fashion Today, 'Nice women did not wear the ambiguous smokings of Yves Saint Laurent.... And yet, both suit and image were an homage to the new female elegance - years before their time.'

This is the kind of elegance That's Not My Age aspires to. Grown-up and edgy, I've always longed for a YSL tuxedo. Unfortunately, I'm not a sixteenth arrondisement bourgeoise woman with too much money and time on my hands (how Helmut Newton described the way his ideal YSL-clad woman dressed). Though I have visited the Pierre Bergé - Yves Saint Laurent Foundation in Paris, where on a behind the scenes tour of the archives I actually got to see the original le smoking, a very special fashion moment indeed, almost as exciting as meeting Mary Portas. But that's as close as it gets. Or is it?

I've spotted this YSL wool-blend tuxedo on The Outnet (yes, yes, I know I've become completely obsessed with that birthday deal but imagine it, two quid for a tuxedo!)



And in homage to my middle-age crush - that's Tilda Swinton, not Mary Portas (though Mary in a tux - now that would be Portas-tic!) - I might actually opt for a cream pants suit:





Tuxedo love: Yves Saint Laurent with Catherine Deneuve in 2002.


PS If you haven't read The Beautiful Fall - a book about the rivalry between YSL and Karl Lagerfeld, about 'Fashion, genius and glorious excess in 1970s Paris' - I can highly recommend it. Brilliant stuff.



And don't forget....TheOutnet.com is throwing a very special birthday party, for one day only on April 16th the online fashion outlet will host a pop-up sale where all items will be available at the giveaway price of $1/£1/€1. For more information, www.theoutnet/birthday.com

Photos
Yves Saint Laurent and Catherine Deneuve: The Beautiful Fall
Tilda Swinton: ES Magazine

The Mary Portas Appreciation Society

Last night That's Not My Age met Mary Portas. Actually, I'd quite like to end this post here. Maybe now I've met the high street fashion Goddess, my online work is done and I can sign off for good? Farewell dear blogosphere, it's been a blast.

But no. I have some hot news from planet fashion. According to Portas, the boyfriend jacket is over, it's all about the girlfriend jacket now. And to prove it, she was wearing a peach Celine tuxedo jacket that only a couple of days ago made an appearance on Melanie Rickey's Fashion Editor At Large blog (that's Rickey on the right):



Now I occasionally wear some of Mr That's Not My Age's jumpers but they don't look as good as this. Perhaps I could persuade him to start wearing women's tailoring? Anyway, so I met the Queen of Shops at the Greatest Fashion Show on Earth and I think I might have instantaneously developed a minor case of Tourette's Syndrome. No, I didn't swear at her (imagine that? 'Hi Mary, fuck off!') but I did get a bit starstruck and found myself blurting out, 'Ohmigod, I don't know what to say, I think I'm a bit in awe of you.' There is a reason why I don't go out much. My excuse for this unseemly behaviour? One glass of M&S champagne, severe back pain and a stupor induced by compere, George Lamb.

So this morning I would like to go and live here:



But like Eddie Izzard on his ultra-marathon I'm going to ignore the pain and carry on. Before I made a complete fool of myself I managed to ask Mary P to name her favourite outfits (from the catwalk show). 'I could have worn a lot of it,' said the style guru, ' the Uniqlo white shirt, the No Name top was stunning. The season is here for grown-up fashion.' Hoorah!



Then Melanie Rickey took a photo of me and my new best friend. I've cropped myself out, partly to maintain anonymity and partly because next to Portas who is absolutely gorgeous and has amazing skin, I looked a bit like Gordon Ramsay in a wig. Must do something about those wrinkles.





And, I say! Could that be Mary's hand on my shoulder?


As well as the girlfriend jacket, Portas is wearing an Acne t-shirt, skinny Cos trousers and Acne chocolate brown leather boots - with what could have been a post-modern Cuban heel, I couldn't see clearly in the dark and had been sycophantic enough already, I didn't want her to think I was curtsying too. The look? Grown-up rock chick with money and taste, a bit like Carine Roitfeld with a better hair cut.





That's Not My Age was incapable of stringing a sentence together - what would you say to Mary Portas?




Photos
Mary Portas: Melanie Rickey
Piet Hein Eek log cabin: Thomas Mayer
Catwalk shots: Greg Fonne Photography

Portas for prime minister

Don't tell Melanie Rickey (or Mr That's Not My Age), but I have a grown-up lady crush on the fabulous Mary Portas, 49. Not only does the queen of shops look fantastic, she has ace taste in music. Her Desert Island Discs, this week, included Marvin Gaye, Radiohead, Maria Callas and Mungo Jerry's In the Summertime - throw in The Clash's White Man in Hammersmith Palais and That's Not My Age would be begging for a civil partnership. Her analysis of Brand Cameron's new poster in The Daily Telegraph was superb. 'Presenting us with this fake, high-gloss image of perfection suggests that the Conservatives have little understanding of what's going on in the real world.' Style- wise, Portas recommends David Cameron takes a trip to Savile Row, 'Obama can pull off the dressed-down look because he's always immaculately turned out, so when he doesn't wear a tie, he's making it clear he's in informal mode. Cameron runs the risk of never looking formal enough to be taken seriously.'

From high street to Downing Street, Portas gets my vote any day.


The queen of shops says finding your own look comes with age. Simple, well-cut clothes and a good hair cut help. What do you like about Mary Portas' style?


Photo from www.telegraph.co.uk


Mary Portas is launching a new website in January.

Icon or bygone?

Who we're loving and loathing this summer.....

Two good

1. Mary Portas
Congratulations to the BBC for giving us the fabulous Mary Portas. Credited with 'turning Harvey Nichols into the modern fashion powerhouse,' the 48-year old Mary, Queen of Shops is now queen of our hearts. Her unmissable shop makeover programme makes us laugh and cry - the Floyds of Chorlton episode had us blubbing like a freshly dumped Rhys Ifans. We love her blunt comments ('Are you buying horrible things or is someone else doing the buying?') and her supreme confidence, but most of all we love her style. The Guardian's Hadley Freeman called her 'an unexpected fashion goddess' and we concur. The Mary Quant bob, the over-sized sunglasses and statement jewellery are all perfect accessories for a modern day fashion legend. The cheeky tunic dress teamed with long opaque legs and a pair of amazing shoes, all make Portas the style icon du jour for the over forties, and earned her a place in Observer Woman's 'Cool Issue.' We have a grown-up lady crush.

Verdict: There's something about Mary

Tip: Don't call your shop Rumplestiltskin

Check out Polly Vernon's Observer Woman interview with Mary Portas:

http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/women/story/0,,2288570,00.html


2. Nick Cave
Thanks once more to the Beeb for coming up with Nick Cave Night. We think this should be an annual event - or an annual holiday for the over forties. Before the St Luke's gig, the musician/poet/genius admits that he's starting to feel his age, 'I can't even imagine how I could do a gig - just the physical energy involved,' and we know how he feels, but Cave goes on, 'As soon as I walk out on stage, there's something about the Bad Seeds that's energizing. Like a defibrillator to the soul!' Beautifully put - but on or off stage, this 50-year old rocker has still got it. OK, so the hair's receding and he's starting to look a bit Max Wall but we dig (Lazarus dig!) his dandy attire. The sharp tailored jacket and fitted shirt are perennial style classics, a neck full of pendants adds a rock 'n' roll touch, and his er, purple striped boot cut pants may be a little too Austin Powers for our liking, but according to the fashion experts, boot cut is back so Cave is rocking a fashion-forward look. The Antipodean sex god can still make grown-up ladies (and men) swoon. He struts, points, shakes his hips, and the audience go wild.

Verdict: We'd like to sail our ships around him

Tip: Over forties shouldn't dance at gigs, ever.


Two Bad

1. Paul Weller
This month's Q magazine sees Paul Weller teaming up with Duffy for a duet and it looks like they've been sharing the Born Blonde too. Described by Holy Moly as the 'the thin old sod with hair bleached off the pH scale,' we think it's time Surrey's answer to Rod Stewart found himself a decent hairdresser, or a proper mate to tell him what a tw*t he looks.The 50-year old modster's attempt to revitalise his image with a Gallagher-esque barnet has well and truly backfired. The offending haircut is more Russ Abbot's 'Jimmy' than rock god. The grumpy old mod once told Q magazine that if he lost his hair it would be awful - we're not so sure about that.

Verdict: Could the Red Wedge socialist be turning Tory? The Boris Johnson mop top is a bit of a giveaway

Tip: Never ask for an 'Adam Barlow' at the barbers

2. Sharleen Spiteri
Could someone please find Sharleen Spiteri a new stylist? The retro-sounding tunes are all right (if you like that sort of thing) but the Glaswegian's latest retro makeover is a big old no-no. The sixties-inspired image is fine on 24-year old Duffy but not on someone old enough to be her mum. The severe school marmish dress and demi-beehive put us in mind of Nerys Hughes in 'The District Nurse,' which is not a look most 40-year old women aspire to. Sharleen please, stick to the checked shirt and jeans combo, and observe the sensible words of Good Housekeeping magazine - never ever wear a look the second time round.

Verdict: Bring back Ashley Heath

Tip: Grown-ups shouldn't fight in public, even if the sparring partner is Paris Hilton

Photos:
Mary Portas from The Daily Mail
Nick Cave from www.nickcaveandthebadseeds.com
Paul Weller from www.paulweller.com
Sharleen Spiteri from last.fm